The Darkness & a Possible Light

I going to head into the vastness of depression because a couple months ago I went through a very bad depression. It effected everything in my life. I couldn't stand to be around people, everyone sounded as if they were mocking me, talking about there lives being so great, so much better than mine.

They had a significant other, "who they would spend the rest of their lives with," their jobs provided the perfect source of stability, benefits with great pay. Everything was falling into place for them, and here I was stuck at the bottom of the work force, again, with a on-call job, which when I was hired the employer said it would be pat-time. Mountains of bills pilling up, with no source of income to pay them all with (not for lack of trying), leaving me to resort to using my credit card to pay off the majority of my bills.

To sum it all up, I felt like I was in Hell. Never in my life had I been that hard up for cash, nor that consumed with pure self-loathing for being put in that situation to begin with. I had always managed to find a way to work things out, even with my glass half empty outlook on life.

In the past when I was depressed I would just keep moving until I could work past it, but this time it...it became exceedingly difficult for me to work my way out of this hole that seemed to become my everyday life.

My world felt like it had become dark, colour itself seemed to seep away, leaving only a gray scale behind. I faked my emotions, when there was something to laugh at, something to cry about, everything was on auto-pilot. But inside I was slowly disappearing.

I eventually got to a point where I couldn't find any worth left in my life. An incident did occur near Christmas, why I didn't go through with it...I honestly don't know. Maybe somewhere in the deepest part of my brain, I knew I had people who cared for me. That no matter how many times I mess up, they will always be waiting quietly beside me, ... or maybe I really need to find out how Game of Thrones ends. Either way, I'm still here.

I'm not the same person I was....but I'm here. I'm trying not to get to that point, where the colour is completely leached from my world.

I'm still fighting, still getting up in the morning, going to work, still paying bills, and trying to pay off that blasted credit card.

My life will never be as easy going as it was, but then, "there are no shortcuts to any place worth going," or so I've heard.

#art #blog #self #learning #depression